I Always Thought I Would Be a Mom

I never thought I would say this, but I’m not looking forward to this Sunday, which is Mother’s Day. In the past, it wasn’t a holiday that was overly significant to me. It was just a nice day where I got to spend time with my mom and my family. But now that I’m forty-plus years old and still childless, the holiday has taken on a new meaning of what I don’t have, and sometimes that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

My struggle with infertility is run of the mill. The bottom line is, my eggs – what are left of them – are getting old. Do I sometimes wish I froze my eggs when I was younger? Hell yes. But, do I also wish I tried to start a family sooner? The irony is that the answer to that question is yes and no.

Let me explain. As much as I want a child, I’ve also always known that the timing had to be right. I didn’t want to bring a baby into the world that I wasn’t ready to support, nurture, and love. And since I was going through so many of my own struggles in my thirties – including the diagnosis of a rare autoimmune disorder – I didn’t feel anywhere near ready to have kids. I still felt like a kid myself.

In my heart, I know that I had to get through the challenges of my thirties to become the woman who I am today. It was not easy and I had some very dark moments. But I would never change what happened because it’s given me the strength, resilience, and optimism that I now have in my forties. Call me a late bloomer, but it was the experiences of my thirties that really made me grow up.

And now that I’m in my fortieth decade and happily married, the time finally is right. But my body is on a different timeline, one that I can’t control or change, no matter how I try. So, even though I always thought I would be a mom, my husband and I are learning to accept that our future might not turn out as we thought. We are learning to let go of an outcome we once so firmly believed. And we are opening ourselves up to new possibilities and new dreams. For me, that includes this blog and starting a new business.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my thirties and beyond, it’s that each and every one of us is on a journey. No two paths are the same. And no two outcomes the same. We are all here to add meaning and purpose to the world.

Even though I always thought I would be a mom, I’m now learning to accept that this role might not be my purpose or my path. (Although I do firmly believe I am a mom to my dog, Archie, and our 3 cats, Lucky, Gizmo, and Maggie!)

So what will I be doing on Mother’s Day this year? I won’t be with my mom because she’s in Florida, but I’ll be sure to call her and thank her for giving me this life and supporting me, no matter what path I take. And I’ll be on set, filming a new TV series I’m working on and very excited about. Normally I would be very grumpy about working all weekend, but this time, I’ll be glad to have the camaraderie and something to take my mind off the significance of the day. And I’ll remember to keep an open mind and heart as I continue on this journey called life.

To all the mamas out there, Happy Mother’s Day.

1. Related: Wondering what to possibly get your mother in the middle of this coronavirus pandemic? How about doing something good while getting your mom something she’ll love? Check out my Mother’s Day gift guide supporting small businesses.