Life Lessons on My 46th Birthday

Last year, I wrote a post on my 45^th birthday about hitting middle age, and 45 things I’ve learned. That post was so popular, I thought it deserved a follow up with a post about how I’m feeling now, on my 46^th birthday.

So, here are some thoughts…

It’s my 46^th birthday.

Happy birthday to me!

Except, yeah, I’m not exactly ‘feeling it’ this year.

What did I do on my actual birthday? I didn’t blow out any candles. (That came later in the week.) But I did cry. A lot. To the point where my husband was doing everything he could – including telling me some really bad jokes – to cheer me up.

So what gives? Why was I so upset this year on my 46th birthday? After all, as I wrote in my post last year about turning 45, age is just a number.

Let me explain.

We Need to Feel All the Feels, Even Sadness

October is a prickly month for me. On the one hand, it’s my birthday month, so I always feel a special connection to this time of year. (Hello, fellow Libras!) But, on the other hand, this month can also feel particularly shitty because it’s a reminder of how old I am, and I’m not always ready to face the reality of where my life is versus where I wish it was, or think it ‘should be’.

I know. We all go through this. We measure our accomplishments to the number of years we’ve lived. And we compare ourselves to others and wonder how they’ve achieved or accumulated so much – sometimes in their twenties! – when we are still struggling in our forties and beyond.

It’s a hard pill to swallow.

And I know firsthand because there are so many things my younger self thought I would have now in my mid-forties.

When I was in my twenties, if you had told me that at 46, I still wouldn’t be a mother, I wouldn’t have believed you. And if you had told me that, like so many of my peers, I’d be going through a career change and struggling with bigger questions about life, I would have told you that you’re crazy. Because in my twenties, I naively thought I had it all figured out.

But here I am, at age 46, childless, focusing on new career endeavors, and with the world in a very fragile place, questioning many of my values.

On top of all of this, I’ve had arguably one of the most challenging years of my life. My husband and I have been apart for much of the year while he takes care of family matters back in India. When I haven’t been with him in India, I’ve been juggling all of our responsibilities back home on my own.  And during the limited time my husband has actually been home, we’ve gone through yet another unsuccessful round of IVF.

Related: I Always Thought I’d Be a Mom

How I’m Turning Myself Around

I’m not going to lie. As much as I consider myself an optimist, and a person who always sees the positive in things, there were times this year when I felt like I lost my way. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and it felt like my world was imploding.

I kept saying to my husband, my family, my friends, (really anyone who would listen), that I just wanted my life back. And finally, after saying that enough times, I had a realization.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

The light bulb went off in my head, and I thought of the quote that John Lennon made famous in his song “Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)”.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

I realized that we can plan and plan and plan, but life will throw us the most unexpected curve balls that must be dealt with. And after much resisting this year, I’m acknowledging that the only way through is to surrender and accept that the uncertainty I’m feeling right now IS my life.

I also know that if I keep measuring myself and my accomplishments according to what society thinks is the right path for me, I will never be happy or fulfilled. No matter what age I am.

Now that I’ve really understood this and have given myself permission to explore what really inspires my soul, I am indeed living my life.

It’s time for a change of scenery

If you’ve been a reader of my blog, then you know that travel is one of my greatest passions. Part of the reason I started this blog is to share my joy of travel with you. Whether it’s new discoveries and secret finds, or the more profound impact that travel can have on us, I will never tire of speaking and writing about the benefits of travel, even if I’m doing it for free.

And so, to get my life back on track, I’m taking my own advice (and perhaps a sign from the universe.) My husband has to head back to India this fall, and I’m going with him.

While I’m there, I will also do a bit of traveling. I know this is the right decision, because my heart literally beats faster just at the thought of exploring new places, meeting new people, tasting new cuisines and most importantly, sharing these new discoveries with my husband, and with you.

So for now, I’m letting go of the image my twenty-something self thought I would be in my forties. I’m no longer evaluating my life according to anyone else’s rules but my own. And I’m accepting that my life has been turned upside down. But rather than resist, I’m surrendering to the bigger forces at play and enjoying the ride.

Embracing Surrender

There’s a beauty in surrender. It’s not about giving up, but it’s about loosening our grip and our need to control everything. And when we can do this, we begin to live the life that John Lennon sang about. We experience the ‘everything’ that happens in between our constant need to plan and map out our lives.

So for the rest of my birthday month, I’m going to celebrate my 46^th birthday. I’m going to relish the fact that I’ve made it this far, and have a huge adventure ahead of me. (One of many to come, I hope!)

How Do You Feel About Your Birthday?

If you are feeling a similar sense of dread about an upcoming birthday, I ask you this. Can you let go of the constructs and beliefs that might be holding you back from living your life exactly as you want? Can you surrender to the fact that whatever age you are, it’s ok? And can you accept that you are on your own journey and it doesn’t necessarily have to look like anyone else’s?

Remember that nobody can step into your shoes. And nobody else has the privilege of living your life. You’ve got one shot at this, so stop letting other people dictate what’s right and wrong for you.

Get out there and live YOUR life, the good parts, the bad parts, the messy bits and most importantly, the moments where we must surrender and just be.

Blow out the damn candles on your birthday cake and make the BIGGEST wish in the world. Because you, my friend, deserve it, whether your 6, 46, or 86.

Pssst. Liked what you read? Then you might want to check out these posts too:

            Attitude is Everything

           I Always Thought I’d be a Mom

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